Today I learned...

I just want to save myself from you.
This is the thing.
It's possible for someone to not care about something that you so deeply wanted to mend.
It's possible for all the love you put into something to go unnoticed.
And it is without a doubt possible to mistake someone for someone else, someone they're not.
This is my experience. I am and am not ready to let go of this thing, because I pretended my way into making it real. I can't tell anyone - not even my best friends, my family, or myself - how many times I convinced myself to keep going and that things would get better. It would all figure itself out, right? You would grow up and and we would grow old.
Right. Except it's not, and it's never been. Giving someone all you have is exhausting when all that's happening at the end of the line is taking. That's not how you get closer to someone. That's how you drain yourself until there's almost nothing left. And that little bit that you're left with is like a magnet that is placed with the same charge towards them; it's fascinating to try to push together but that doesn't make one any more inclined to reach out to the other.
Except when it does.
I'm not insane, but you make me feel like I've made up the last 5 months of my life. I didn't imagine this. Why would I imagine something without a happy ending? I wouldn't.
Show me your heart so I can finally see what it looks like. Show me what I've been missing out on for the longest time. Show me where I went wrong.
I wish there was an end-all, cure-all; but there isn't. You can care less and less with every hour that passes, but it just makes me care more and more with every minute of that hour. Now, that's interesting. I'm not a particularly complicated person, but that's something, isn't it? That's because this is real life. This is a real person, with real feelings that you're dealing with.
Here I am being punished for reacting to something out of my control. And I'm the one that feels like I need to apologize indefinitely, just so I can hang on to something that I'm not even satisfied with in the first place.
Right now is so much more than right now.