Today I learned...

"I'll leave the lights down low so she knows I mean business. And maybe we could talk this over, 'cause I could be your best bet, let alone your worst ex... I wanna hate you so bad, but I can't stop this anymore than you can. So, honestly, how could you say those things when you know they don't mean anything and you know very well that I can't keep my hands to myself? This is all wrong and it shows; there's certain things I promised not to let you know, you've got a silly way of keeping me up on the edge of my seat, but you're only counting the clock against the train. And I'm miserable, and you're just getting started. You've got me right where you want me, let's never talk about this again, because I didn't want it to mean that much to me."

Today I learned...

You are a lie.
And you've been a lie this whole time.


"I'm trying not to confuse being used and giving all I am by being used and giving all I have, all I am."

Today I learned...

Everything about you hurts to think about.
I find myself being honest with myself only when it's convenient and makes me more mad than I am sad about the situation that we find ourselves in. Or maybe the situation that I find myself in... I haven't quite decided yet.
I wish I could take all the time that I'm wasting on being upset in one form or another and give it back to myself. But I think that's your job. You're the one that needs to come to me and fix this, if you so desire. How much can you give before you need to take some of it back?



I'm still sitting here being in love with you.

Today I learned...

that you can't make someone love you or care about you, but you can choose to surround yourself with those that already love and care about you.

Today I learned...

I just want to save myself from you.
This is the thing.
It's possible for someone to not care about something that you so deeply wanted to mend.
It's possible for all the love you put into something to go unnoticed.
And it is without a doubt possible to mistake someone for someone else, someone they're not.
This is my experience. I am and am not ready to let go of this thing, because I pretended my way into making it real. I can't tell anyone - not even my best friends, my family, or myself - how many times I convinced myself to keep going and that things would get better. It would all figure itself out, right? You would grow up and and we would grow old.
Right. Except it's not, and it's never been. Giving someone all you have is exhausting when all that's happening at the end of the line is taking. That's not how you get closer to someone. That's how you drain yourself until there's almost nothing left. And that little bit that you're left with is like a magnet that is placed with the same charge towards them; it's fascinating to try to push together but that doesn't make one any more inclined to reach out to the other.
Except when it does.
I'm not insane, but you make me feel like I've made up the last 5 months of my life. I didn't imagine this. Why would I imagine something without a happy ending? I wouldn't.
Show me your heart so I can finally see what it looks like. Show me what I've been missing out on for the longest time. Show me where I went wrong.
I wish there was an end-all, cure-all; but there isn't. You can care less and less with every hour that passes, but it just makes me care more and more with every minute of that hour. Now, that's interesting. I'm not a particularly complicated person, but that's something, isn't it? That's because this is real life. This is a real person, with real feelings that you're dealing with.
Here I am being punished for reacting to something out of my control. And I'm the one that feels like I need to apologize indefinitely, just so I can hang on to something that I'm not even satisfied with in the first place.
Right now is so much more than right now.

Today I learned...

how to have a broken heart but still feel okay.

Today I learned...

that just because you try to stand up for what you love doesn't mean anyone is going to follow along.

Today I learned...

how much it hurts.

Today I learned...

That mistakes hide really well until it's to late to even learn something.

Today I learned...

a little more about peripheral vision.

Today I learned...

I have so many things to learn.

My mom helped me with so much today. I was on the verge of making a serious mistake, and she proved to me once again that she's the best mother in the entire world. Today made me realize that I have a family that I wouldn't trade for the entire world. And friends that I wouldn't be anywhere without.

Today I learned...

I'm Singin' In The Rain.

Today I learned...

There are people that you can let ruin your day, and then there are people that make you feel invincible.

Today I learned...

I have things to be excited about.
And I'm all about falling down stairs, apparently.

Today I learned...

that I can still scare myself with how quickly I let myself slip into all these plans; but in a good way.

Today I learned...

how wonderful growing up can be.

Today I learned...

Days go by.

Today I learned...

that I am fully and truly in love.

In all honesty, he snuck up on me.

Today I learned...

I'm stronger than I thought I ever could be.

Rest In Peace, Alvina. I miss you so much.

Today I learned...

I can get through it. I can tear down walls of fear and I can tear down walls of worry. I can trust so many people, and today I started looking at it that exact way; instead of seeing all of the fake personalities around me, I'm seeing all of the real, genuine ones. And it's such a beautiful, eye-opening thing. It really is.

Today I learned...

...how quickly I can ruin something. Hurt someone. Hurt myself in the whole process. Take ten steps backwards.

Today taught me so much about myself, my relationships with those around me, and hopefully a better way to handle these things.

No care ever.

Today I learned...

that I'll figure it out... hopefully.

Today I learned...

Having a kitten is just like having a child.

Today I learned...

that I can still get stoked on my own inspiration.

Today I learned...

I've still got it.

Today I learned...

being positive is the best thing.

Today I learned...

to be patient.

I have the neatest friends.

Today I learned...

that family is beautiful.

Today I learned...

that we'll see.

Today I learned...

La De Les is still incredible. What a fantastic day.
Driving late at night gets harder every time I do it.
Sunburn sucks.

Today I learned...

I don't really know what I learned. I've been back and forth all day with thinking I know and not sure about knowing. I want to be comfortable. I want to feel okay in my own skin.